The Magician.

Gather around everyone, I am going to show you a trick. In front of you lies a coffin, next to it a set of nails and a hammer. Don't be fooled by the rags I wear, I can truly make things disappear. It's not an illusion, its not a trick. It's real magic. 

I am going to lie in the coffin, I want you to shut the door, don't panic if I shriek a little, it gets pretty dark, pretty quickly, and I am a little claustrophobic. You might wonder why I am doing this if I am scared of this grim box. It has to be done, the box will take me to salvation, you will all see the magic I hold. 

I want you to nail the box shut. My breath is probably going to be getting shorter and faster, I might knock a little, ignore it. Its time to lower the coffin in to the ground, I have already asked someone to dig 6 feet deep. There may be screams and pleads by now, but that's just animal instincts, I know this has to be done to make you believe me. Start putting the dirt back in, the screams will slowly get in audible, its basic physics you see, the sound waves have more mass to travel through, creating vibrations through this amount of mass dissipates more of the already limited energy- considering I can't breathe properly any more- Keep listening though, Its going to sound like I seriously want to be let out now, but wait. 

We are reaching the finale now, drum roll, wait for it, wait for it. The screams end. Did you see that? I made the pain disappear. 

Blood Clots

"Let it bleed", a grave voice materialised in my head as I read that message from my friend. Her BBM picture said; 

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed." 

Ernest Hemingway

To which I had said I hadn't bled for a while. Sometimes I do think I have abandoned a part of me that I was proud of, something that I felt defined me at a time where there was no definition in life. Am I a selfish? Of course I am selfish, my own words haunt me like demons from my past; "I have considered this a sacred place where the purest of my emotions get to free themselves, and not a place to vent" I have ruined the sanctity of this place. In denying that this is where I vent I have lied and mislead. The whining took a subtle form but I was still complaining, about the situation I was in, and when my prospects changed, I changed, I have abandoned this so called "sacred place". I know I haven't stopped feeling, emotions run inside me like they always had, maybe caution has added itself to the equation. Sometimes I do see myself going through emotions with out feeling any thing, but most of the time I feel, and when I do, why do I no longer find the need to let "the purest of" them "free themselves"? Of course I am selfish.

I have grown, but I don't want to remain aloof, I want to go back to the guy who felt a lot, felt and wrote about it. I want to have a voice again, I want to cut myself open, if you would let me, I want to bleed.